Friday, March 10, 2017

Death By One-star Ratings

So in this supplemental blog post, I am sharing a poem I wrote about an Indie author who learns a valuable lesson. 

This is a work of fiction! It is neither biographical nor autobiographical. Though I'm almost positive that there are some out there who will be able to relate. If you're old enough to remember the Beverly Hillbillies, the poem does seem to have taken on a rhythm similar to the show's theme song. This was completely unintentional, I assure you. And I apologize if this creates an earworm. 

Come listen to a story ‘bout a book I wrote.
Listen very closely and please take notes.
I spent two years writing night and day.
My boyfriend left me and my dog ran away,
(Obsessed I was; consumed)

But I kept on writing to fulfill my dream
To be a published author was in sight it seemed.
As I poured out my heart through the words on the screen
I knew I would be famous; Mom & Dad would be so pleased.
(Obsessed and delusional)

When the day finally came and my book was done,
I ran it through a spell check and I figured I had won.
I sent it to a publisher and waited for the call.
What I got was a rejection and I shouted, “Dang it all!”
(This wasn’t going to be easy)

A friend of mine suggested that I publish it myself.
That sounded better than putting it on the shelf.
I found a place on the good old Internet
That would print my book and I knew that I was set.
(Print on demand – POD)

I entered all my info and I paid the highest fee
To get the bells and whistles that they had promised me.
I opened up the file and I clicked right on Upload
And my story was converted to html code.
(Geek speak for hypertext markup language)

I followed the directions and I marketed my book.
Told everyone I knew to, “Come and take a look!”
My friends all smiled and wished me great success,
But little did I know that my book was quite a mess.
(Dangling participles, split infinitives)

I thought is was perfect, at the very least okay.
I thought spellcheck had made the errors go away.
While it caught a few things, it left many more behind
And to the rest my heart and sole were blind.
(All those exclamation marks!)

Sales started coming and people bought my book.
I’d crafted a description that was a mighty hook.
Then the ratings started coming and sales they took a dive
And right there on Amazon my dream up and died.
(Death by one-star ratings)

If only I had gotten an editor to help
I wouldn’t be pulling my hair out of my scalp.
I might have a best seller instead of just this blog
And I’d be watching Netflix with my boyfriend and my dog.
(Chillin’ and watchin’)

So if you write a story don’t overlook this step.
An editor will keep it from becoming dreck.
It’s worth the extra money to ensure your readers’ praise
And keep your dream from burning up in an awful blaze.

Y’all keep writin', ya hear?

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