Death By One-star Ratings

So in this supplemental blog post, I am sharing a poem I wrote about an Indie author who learns a valuable lesson. 

This is a work of fiction! It is neither biographical nor autobiographical. Though I'm almost positive that there are some out there who will be able to relate. If you're old enough to remember the Beverly Hillbillies, the poem does seem to have taken on a rhythm similar to the show's theme song. This was completely unintentional, I assure you. And I apologize if this creates an earworm. 

Come listen to a story ‘bout a book I wrote.

Listen very closely and please take notes.

I spent two years writing night and day.

My boyfriend left me and my dog ran away,

(Obsessed I was; consumed)

But I kept on writing to fulfill my dream

To be a published author was in sight it seemed.

As I poured out my heart through the words on the screen

I knew I would be famous; Mom & Dad would be so pleased.

(Obsessed and delusional)

When the day finally came and my book was done,

I ran it through a spell check and I figured I had won.

I sent it to a publisher and waited for the call.

What I got was a rejection and I shouted, “Dang it all!”

(This wasn’t going to be easy)

A friend of mine suggested that I publish it myself.

That sounded better than putting it on the shelf.

I found a place on the good old Internet

That would print my book and I knew that I was set.

(Print on demand – POD)

I entered all my info and I paid the highest fee

To get the bells and whistles that they had promised me.

I opened up the file and I clicked right on Upload

And my story was converted to html code.

(Geek speak for hypertext markup language)

I followed the directions and I marketed my book.

Told everyone I knew to, “Come and take a look!”

My friends all smiled and wished me great success,

But little did I know that my book was quite a mess.

(Dangling participles, split infinitives)

I thought is was perfect, at the very least okay.

I thought spellcheck had made the errors go away.

While it caught a few things, it left many more behind

And to the rest my heart and sole were blind.

(All those exclamation marks!)

Sales started coming and people bought my book.

I’d crafted a description that was a mighty hook.

Then the ratings started coming and sales they took a dive

And right there on Amazon my dream up and died.

(Death by one-star ratings)

If only I had gotten an editor to help

I wouldn’t be pulling my hair out of my scalp.

I might have a best seller instead of just this blog

And I’d be watching Netflix with my boyfriend and my dog.

(Chillin’ and watchin’)

So if you write a story don’t overlook this step.

An editor will keep it from becoming dreck.

It’s worth the extra money to ensure your readers’ praise

And keep your dream from burning up in an awful blaze.

Y’all keep writin', ya hear?

My Business Card

Last week I wrote about my decision to become a professional Editor. It was a scary thing to do, but my love of the English language in all its vexing glory along with  my passion for stories (not to mention my need for an income!) screamed to be unleashed in a constructive and positive way. So here I am, putting myself out there and waiting for the phone to ring.

I have everything I need to do this job: a computer, the necessary software, applicable skills acquired over the 5 1/2 decades I've been alive, style guides and grammar guides to guide me, enthusiasm, time, experience and desire. I even have business cards! And I shared my business card in my last post with the promise to explain it this week.

Here it is again in case you missed it:

When I first designed it, "Editor" was spelled correctly. But the card, while functional and containing all the information I felt I needed to convey, was bland and uninteresting. It needed something else.

I am a firm believer in having fun. I think that work should be fun and having a good sense of humour is intrinsic to making the best of every situation. So I "edited" the card to include the misspelled title that I claim for myself and added the deletion mark that used to dominate manual editing practice.

I worried after I did it that people would not take me seriously (oh, the irony!) and would see it as... Well, as something less than professional. Second guessing myself is a habit that has destroyed many potentials in my life. This time, I refused to listen to that little voice that was saying, "This is stupid!" My business card will remain in its edited condition!

I intend to be successful at this endeavor. And I intend to have fun with it. If I'm going to spend my days editing other peoples' work, I want to do it with a light heart as well as a fierce pen. Letting potential clients know that I am not perfect, but I am diligent and that I love what I do is the entire point behind my business card. It is my fondest wish that I have portrayed this well enough. This tiny piece of card stock is, after all, how I will be introduced to many people.

So, there you have it! The story behind my business card. Like it, love it, hate it, it feels right to me.

Next week I will be exploring the editor/author relationship and attempt to put writers' minds at ease about the process. Join me and learn why Editors are not evil!